My father is dying. Typing those words makes me want to scream. My mother says he is and so do his somber friends who call to make sure I’m ok and ask why they haven’t heard from me in so long.
A few weeks ago when my mother told me the news, I angrily questioned all her years of medical knowledge. Her nurse practitioner training was absolutely wrong about this. Congestive heart failure. Of all things. She was wrong. Over-exaggerating.
I would pretend I never heard it. My body betrayed me as my mind encapsulated the news and prepared to bury it. I worked to purge this virus of a lie, but could not stop my wordless, tearless heaving. Since that moment, air is too thick to breathe and my heart beats only against my will.
Not true. Absolutely not.
Daddy, hold on. I am an ocean away. A decade away from that promise of success. Grandchildren. Celebration. All I have for you is missed conversations. Things put off. Panic. Not enough time.
I’m left breathless around the choke of disappointment. The loss of this love is not one I can imagine.
I will not. Hold on. So will I.
I wish I could write something light and airy for you to read and consume with the ease that cotton candy melts on your tongue. Unfortunately, these past few days have been exhilarating and daunting. They have been relentlessly jarring me out of comfortable spaces to address the long overdue.
Everywhere I turn there is a fresh challenge: wisdom teeth chose this weekend to remind that growing wise is a never-ending and often painful process, maneuvering the end of a long standing relationship and trying not to be horrified postmortem, health issues of family and friends. It is nonstop.
I could rail against fate and all of this “too much” at a time where I’m not sure I can muster up “just a little” but I know that Tribulations “R” Us” always precedes Triumph Unlimited. So I’ll take my mind-boggling dose of issue stacked upon issue and dismantle each one powerfully to tap into the triumph that I’ve been squirreling away for days just like this. Take that, trouble! I’ve got more victory where that came from. Bring it.
Affirmation: Each tribulation is a gift that allows me to experience the amazing power of overcoming anything in my way.
…I shouldn’t have left you…
It’s been more than a while since I last blogged about Results, Not Resolutions. In the past few months I’ve been working on those aforementioned results. Often I’ve tried to avoid results and just get by but 2011 will not stand by and tolerate stagnation. So, whether I like it or not, change is happening and ushering me closer to my dreams than expected. I’ll tell you all about that later.
I’m back. I’m blogging. And for those in the know, Tessism’s birthday season is ramping up. As an Aries, I’ve chosen to celebrate my birth during the entirety of my sun sign which is from March 20 to April 20.
Welcome to Tessism’s Birthday Season of Aries! This season is all about leisure and indulgence and the theme is **drum roll** (gather closely now)…A Month of Sunday…Brunches! I’ll tell you a little bit more about it this week. In the meantime, my birthday season is a celebration of and for everyone! Hang tight and enjoy. We’ve only just begun!