Tribulations “R” Us

I wish I could write something light and airy for you to read and consume with the ease that cotton candy melts on your tongue. Unfortunately, these past few days have been exhilarating and daunting. They have been relentlessly jarring me out of comfortable spaces to address the long overdue.

Everywhere I turn there is a fresh challenge: wisdom teeth chose this weekend to remind that growing wise is a never-ending and often painful process, maneuvering the end of a long standing relationship and trying not to be horrified postmortem, health issues of family and friends. It is nonstop.

I could rail against fate and all of this “too much” at a time where I’m not sure I can muster up “just a little” but I know that Tribulations “R” Us” always precedes Triumph Unlimited. So I’ll take my mind-boggling dose of issue stacked upon issue and dismantle each one powerfully to tap into the triumph that I’ve been squirreling away for days just like this. Take that, trouble! I’ve got more victory where that came from. Bring it.

Affirmation: Each tribulation is a gift that allows me to experience the amazing power of overcoming anything in my way.

Challenge Day 30: Score!

I swear I have the 30-day challenge blues.  After pushing day after day, I’m pretty sad that there is no more challenge left and that sucks the wind out of my sails.  Funny since I expected Day 30 to be the day to end all days where I would stand atop the mountain of my achievement and look out with puffed chest congratulating myself for daring the impossible.

I’m sure that I have the blues.  Now that there is no challenge each day, what will I do with myself?  Haha!  Anything and everything. The interesting thing about challenges is that they beget challenges–a sort of challenge-addiction.  Tomorrow or later this week, I’ll ruminate about lessons learned.  In the meantime, let’s get on with our last challenge!

Today’s challenge: Take stock of the last 30 days.  How did you do?  What did you do well?  What did you not do well?  What would you like to continue to work on?  How did it go?  What did you learn?
I’ll be sorting through the lessons learned on this journey for days to come but in the meantime, here are the stats of what I attempted this month:

My closest friends can attest to the wonderful peace I gained in these 30 days as well as the struggle it was to complete these last few days.  I know I couldn’t have done it without them or you.  I also know that I’m not quite done yet.

While I was able to challenge myself to different things each day, I haven’t gained mastery over anything new.  I have an experience of what it is like to live a revolutionary life but I still have work to do.  Each day of these 30 days of challenges revealed so much about myself to me.

The greatest revelation is that this month was a buffet of challenges for me to choose from and work on extensively in the near future.  All the challenges have been interrelated.  They are all pulling for the same transformed, galvanized life.  The next step for me is mastery.

Gratitude: I am grateful for that I could complete this month of challenges when I’ve done nothing like this ever before

On the horizon: More results, lessons and mastery…the journey – to be continued.

This is the way the world endsThis is the way the world endsThis is the way the world endsNot with a bang but a whimper.1

Patched

Built a man before.  To replace the flesh one who didn’t want me.  From scraps. Every
  touch,
    slick,
      memory,
        smell,
          video clip,
            thought,
              post,
                look,
                  breath.

All I could gather.

                  A kiss,
                a tweet,
              outburst,
            beignets,
          words,
        train stations,
      wings,
    smile,
  some saliva.
Problem was I couldn’t get him to stay either.

The patches wouldn’t live.

Tried to sneak pieces
into other men. Kiss me. This way.
Pull here. Soft there.  Didn’t work.

Even tailored myself wanting
to be what he wanted.

Sometimes I beg the real one for time
so I can collect more for my stitched one.

Don’t know who we are anymore.

Hunched, scouring. Snatched parts from me to add to my amalgam.
Real him didn’t recognize me because I was missing. Then I noticed, even he was made of bits.

Remembering

We kissed here once.  Those were nice.  Very.

I like your kisses however I get them.  Distracting.  I forget the heart of the matter and cling to them like they’re all that is living.

Your kisses are hard and punishing.  I want to be punished this way.  Not always.  Just that last time.

You weren’t as angry this last time.  No less intoxicating.  Different.

Anger hinted at a possible similar abyss.  Shared desolation.  Maybe you felt what I felt when I was away from you but I’m never sure.

Never know.  You may have cured me of wanting to know.  Curiosity didn’t simply kill the damn cat.  Drove it crazy then it killed itself.

Mmmmm.  So addicted to those kisses–want you connected in that very way–I would sell out almost everything.  Almost.

Especially me.  Renounced myself, my sanity, grace and joy to have them when you seemed to look at such magical things as our kisses with indifference.

I remember them.  They sometimes rock me to sleep, those kisses.

And, yeah that time when you–when we…I’m so glad I had that.  Rooting in the desert of something denied, I have that jewel filed away.

Feeling you feel me feeling you.  Blessing.

And I know it was right and good because I still feel good.  No regrets.

Wounds heal.  Sun kisses.  Always.  Grateful.

Lifeboat

I remember the rocking.
Made more awake than lulling to sleep.
Couldn’t fathom how this wasn’t nightly.
Rocking insistently declaring life.

I remember the uncertainty.
It was dark and I couldn’t see you.
Then you were there tugging me to shore.
I wanted to sink still rocking.

I remember the silence.
It would never be the same.
Dug anchor welcoming sinking.
You pulled insisting on life beyond rocking.

Next Time

Next time

I will take my

time

with you.

I was

too impatient.

Greedy

for you.

You are my

favorite flavor.

Rush to

swallow your

thoughts

before they are complete.

Devour

your gaze

where it falls

leaving famine

where it does not

reach.

Next time I’ll take my

time

since I can be very impatient

when it comes to

you.

But for now I will gorge.

Leviathan

Bottomless ache chokes.  No recipient.  Hurls you into an abyss of loneliness.  Leviathan ever awaits.

Suppress and wrestle. One day, she bursts forth, destroying sensibility.  Uproots everything you know.  Sense of self.  Sense of worth.  Timing.  Appropriateness.  Decorum.

She will smother with tentacles tightening with each rejection.  Indiscriminate betrayer of what you hold dear.

Until one day you learn to not fight her.  Feed her.  Let her leave love trails everywhere.  She will do it anyway.  This way, you’re less bruised.

Inch

Inch

by inch

I will recover

myself

and the parts of me

that remain with you,

I will replace.

Cobbled together from

bubblegum,

hip shards.

Grafted onto

what is left

until I am something

not what I knew.

Unbalanced

It can be a shock to realize how unimportant you really are, especially to someone who is a big deal to you.  Where they leave an indelible imprint on your existence, you register about as much as a gnat: annoying, briefly smashed and flicked off with a shudder as they amble their way through life, forgetting you as soon as they meet you.

I will never know the cause of this imbalance.  What if you were someone to whom everyone was significant yet you were the opposite to them?  What would you do?

Just so you know, you were not that much of anything and no mark was left.

Oh, to be unimportant, dismissed, dismissible, that is what creates the crazy lady, a scorned creature.  Problem is that the scorn ravages just you and no one else because, all in all, even they are not as important as you are to you.  You are forever the target of your own enmity, a magnet for pain and stress.  Endless stream of poison.

So let go.  Free yourself.

You are nothing to him and it’s ok.

You’re so used to being a force of reckoning.  Everything quails in the wake of your presence.  Then, there you go: you don’t even register and there’s nothing you can do about it.

You can always Rumpelstiltskin yourself or something but that would only leave you dead or living ripped asunder.  Would be hard to walk, right?

So pick up your ego that spills out of your eviscerated soul and hobble as you heal.  Crawl first.  Grovel.  Just hold on.  Breathe shallowly until pieces of you stop slipping out mixed with intestines.  One day.

Un&Thank You

I so thank you for making me feel giddy again, believing and feeling so lucky at my gift that I could keep unwrapping forever.  Each layer would caress my heart, make me ache and give me solace because I had you.

Thank you for touching me with such a steady hand of ownership, acceptance and promise, often on the small of my back.  Thank you for reigniting my adoration of music though, now, you two are painfully connected.   Thank you for the privilege of that moment that no else could attain.

I unthank you for the last incomplete kiss, not allowing me to swallow you and drown in tasting you with a thirst I could never, would never desire to quench.

Unthank you for that which was not and could have been.

Unthank you for no days of sneaking mushrooms onto your plate or scoring the rejects at dinner.  Unthank you for no birthdays where I would bless the day you were made for me.

Unthank you for all the mornings I will not wake up entwined in your arms, remembering our silly jousting accompanied by that sweetness that I almost had and always prayed for.

Unthank you for missing morning breath kisses so deep you would know my bottomless, unconditional desire for you.  Unthank you for this hole you burrowed yet never filled, leaving me more than hollow.  Bereft.

I un&thank you for reviving my dying heart only for me to kill it again.