Built a man before.  To replace the flesh one who didn’t want me.  From scraps. Every
          video clip,

All I could gather.

                  A kiss,
                a tweet,
        train stations,
  some saliva.
Problem was I couldn’t get him to stay either.

The patches wouldn’t live.

Tried to sneak pieces
into other men. Kiss me. This way.
Pull here. Soft there.  Didn’t work.

Even tailored myself wanting
to be what he wanted.

Sometimes I beg the real one for time
so I can collect more for my stitched one.

Don’t know who we are anymore.

Hunched, scouring. Snatched parts from me to add to my amalgam.
Real him didn’t recognize me because I was missing. Then I noticed, even he was made of bits.


Something’s coming.
Struggle to keep arms
a vise around known,
shattering now like clay pots.

Wasn’t much.
What was here seemed
to be all that
could be had.

Shards of fallow hope do cut.
Yet they are familiar, welcome,
not this formless new,
an unpredictable impending.

Spark burns resistance.
No place for bits and bleeding
where change seizes
territory once withering.

No more.
There is another way
through blind leaping.
Sore heart soars.


I remember the rocking.
Made more awake than lulling to sleep.
Couldn’t fathom how this wasn’t nightly.
Rocking insistently declaring life.

I remember the uncertainty.
It was dark and I couldn’t see you.
Then you were there tugging me to shore.
I wanted to sink still rocking.

I remember the silence.
It would never be the same.
Dug anchor welcoming sinking.
You pulled insisting on life beyond rocking.

Next Time

Next time

I will take my


with you.

I was

too impatient.


for you.

You are my

favorite flavor.

Rush to

swallow your


before they are complete.


your gaze

where it falls

leaving famine

where it does not


Next time I’ll take my


since I can be very impatient

when it comes to


But for now I will gorge.


Bottomless ache chokes.  No recipient.  Hurls you into an abyss of loneliness.  Leviathan ever awaits.

Suppress and wrestle. One day, she bursts forth, destroying sensibility.  Uproots everything you know.  Sense of self.  Sense of worth.  Timing.  Appropriateness.  Decorum.

She will smother with tentacles tightening with each rejection.  Indiscriminate betrayer of what you hold dear.

Until one day you learn to not fight her.  Feed her.  Let her leave love trails everywhere.  She will do it anyway.  This way, you’re less bruised.



by inch

I will recover


and the parts of me

that remain with you,

I will replace.

Cobbled together from


hip shards.

Grafted onto

what is left

until I am something

not what I knew.

Un&Thank You

I so thank you for making me feel giddy again, believing and feeling so lucky at my gift that I could keep unwrapping forever.  Each layer would caress my heart, make me ache and give me solace because I had you.

Thank you for touching me with such a steady hand of ownership, acceptance and promise, often on the small of my back.  Thank you for reigniting my adoration of music though, now, you two are painfully connected.   Thank you for the privilege of that moment that no else could attain.

I unthank you for the last incomplete kiss, not allowing me to swallow you and drown in tasting you with a thirst I could never, would never desire to quench.

Unthank you for that which was not and could have been.

Unthank you for no days of sneaking mushrooms onto your plate or scoring the rejects at dinner.  Unthank you for no birthdays where I would bless the day you were made for me.

Unthank you for all the mornings I will not wake up entwined in your arms, remembering our silly jousting accompanied by that sweetness that I almost had and always prayed for.

Unthank you for missing morning breath kisses so deep you would know my bottomless, unconditional desire for you.  Unthank you for this hole you burrowed yet never filled, leaving me more than hollow.  Bereft.

I un&thank you for reviving my dying heart only for me to kill it again.

One Day

One day I will love you and that day I dread.

That day I will admit that I have always loved you.  Before I knew you and long after.  And then what?

Until then, let me turn from my impotence.  Let me escape in slick saliva.  Tentative.  Begging for reprieve.  Not there.  Not now.  Not yet.  Please.

What will I lose when I already know?  Were, are, never mine.

Losing you again is nothing new.  It was always with me.

Ecstasy ends when kisses there disappear.  I panic even now as your scent recedes.

Kissing You

Kissing you.  Kissing you.

I keep forgetting to not remember.

Your name greets me at every turn.

Back aches where you rubbed and I shivered.

I am plagued by things of you that are not you.  If only I were plagued by you.

I would want no cure.